Acting and Narcisism

I don't consider myself an actress. I don't want to be an actress. I don't have a passion for acting. There are a million things I love more than acting.

Yet, I still act. I act frequently, actually. I have never understood why I am consistently drawn toward acting.

I was pondering and reasoning when I realized that it could all be tied to ego. Think about it: the rush of seeing your name on that cast list beside the part you want, taking your head shots and seeing them on your resume, seeing your face on television or in a movie. It all seems a bit narcissistic. I believe that acting is an art form, but there is still part of me that wonders if acting isn't just a confidence boost, a kick for your self esteem.

Take a moment and recall every famous actor you can think of. There are many of them. So what is so appealing about being an actor? You get paid damn near teacher's salary, if not less, and have to go through hoops to get work at all. Some actors become famous, most don't. But what is the one aspect that consistently pulls countless people to the theater or film or television.

I feel guilty oftentimes when I catch myself getting caught up in the acting world. I feel as though it is the self recognition that I love more than the actual art form. For anyone who has ever done theater before, they know the drill. Auditioning is a nail biting and exciting process that either leads to payoff or disappointment. Even after getting the part and experiencing the inflation of ego that soon follows, you will still go home and highlight each line your character has. Counting them one. by. one. Sure your director will tell you to go home and read the whole play, but all you really care about are your lines, your entrances, your cues. That's just the way it goes.

Sounds pretty narcissistic.

And oh don't we all know how much emphasis Hollywood places on physical appearance. Most young movie stars are more famous for their photos in US Weekly than their actual work. If I decided to become an actress, I would feel pressured to look perfect all the time. Hire a crew of hair and makeup artists to follow me wherever I went to make sure I looked presentable at all times. Isn't that important? Looking your best at all times so that casting directors will magically see you in their movie? I don't see magic in that. I see thousands of dollars wasted on curling irons, concealer, and five inch heels (I'm 5'3 and it's no mystery that young Hollywood favors that model-esque, tall and slender physique).

God!

And the frustrating thing is, we're all guilty of this. I audition for plays all the time. I feel that rush in the audition room. I feel that addicting self worth when I see the pay off. It's an extreme boost for your self esteem, and who doesn't want that?

The guilt sets in when I feel as if it's an addiction I'm feeding, not a love.
If it's a love of anything, it's a love of vanity--not art.



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