I Feel Uncertain..

About virtually everything right now. What should I expect when the life I've been building for eighteen precious years is about to completely change? I've spent the past two months or so trying to understand how I should feel. It's been a somewhat downhill battle to reach the norm: the average, the universal feelings of an eighteen year old whose life is about to turn upside down and inside out. If anyone is currently writing the screenplay of a movie based on my life (I won't hold my breath), I would expect all the characters to start speaking Russian and doing the chicken dance at this point.

As far as I can tell, there are thousands of people speaking Russian and doing the chicken dance in my head right now. I do what I can to distract myself from the all too present, foreboding truth:

My entire life is about to change.

I've done a lot of thinking and come to the conclusion that there is no "right" way to feel. There is no checklist of emotions to go through before moving into the next phase of life. Whether you apply this logic to leaving for college, beginning your next year of high school, or even mourning the loss of a loved one--there is no status quo. Humans are systematic creatures. We want plans, lists, and procedures. We want to know the outcome before we take the chance. We want results. We want to believe we can take risks, swim against the current, and take bounding leaps of faith. But we so desperately want to know where we'll land if we leap.

That's no leap of faith, is it?

This process, as far as I understand so far, is exactly that: a leap of faith. I am leaping from high school to college, from Texas to Louisiana, from childhood to adulthood, from dependence to independence, from the safe familiarity of my comfort zone to the vast unknown expanse of my future. All I can hope is that I land safely and soundly on the other side.

For the past eighteen years, I've lived in a house with the same three people. I've walked outside to feel the same blistetering, Texas heat caress my skin every day. I've woken up at a steady 6:45 a.m. on weekdays, 12 p.m. on weekends. I've fastened the black button on my plaid, pleated skirt (a jumper from 1st to 6th grade). I've eaten breakfast in a chair positioned to the diagonal right of my father. I've lived in a room six steps away from my younger sister.

In the past eighteen years, I have also gone through puberty. I have developed a unique set of interests, talents, and skills. I have formed bonds of friendship. I have severed ties. I have known sorrow. I have felt pain. I have allowed time to transform my body, mind, and spirit. I have been in love. I have learned disposable things. I have learned extraordinary things. I have opened the floodgates in my mind and allowed a wealth of information to flow in, slowly transforming my young, childish mind into the mind of a distinguished individual.

And this is only the beginning.

Another strong proponent of human nature is our belief in a higher power, an all-seeing eye, a protector. Since I do not yet understand His or Her identity or whereabouts, I address this letter to no one...

To whom it may concern,

I know I've never been one of your most loyal or ardent believers, but I have come to ask a favor of you. Please grant me the peace of mind needed to accept my past, the clarity needed to understand my present, and the faith needed to leap into my future. Help me recognize and appreciate the love I receive every day and the people that have gotten me this far. Instill in me the respect and love that I must show myself and the knowledge that I will make mistakes along the way. Help me, one of the most skeptical, anxious, and cautious on this earth, believe I can make something of my life.

Love,
Erin